Hookup manners
Hookup Etiquette: Manners Before, During and After
Be honest about what you want, treat consent as a conversation and be kind once it is over.
Say what you want before you meet, treat consent as a conversation that can change at any moment, use protection, keep photos and names private and send one kind message afterwards. If you don't want to meet again, say so plainly rather than vanishing.
Etiquette sounds fussy until you have been on the wrong end of the alternative. Casual does not mean careless: the whole arrangement runs on people being straight with each other.
Before you meet
Say what you want, and mean it
People cope with a no. What they hate is finding out late.
- Say whether you want a one-off or something more regular.
- Mention it if you are seeing other people.
- Settle condoms before you meet, not at the bedroom door.
- Keep surnames and workplaces to yourself until you both choose otherwise.
- Ask before you take, send or save a picture.
Discretion and photos: never pass on someone else's pictures or messages. Sharing an intimate image without consent can be a crime in every state and territory, and the eSafety Commissioner runs a scheme for reporting and removing them.
During
Consent is a conversation, not a box ticked once
A yes at the start of the night does not cover the rest of it. The NSW Government's consent advice says anyone can change their mind at any time and that sex must stop as soon as they do. A yes to kissing is not a yes to everything else, and you cannot assume consent from silence.
So check in with words, not just looks: "Is this good?", "Want to keep going?" Someone heavily affected by drink or drugs cannot consent. That advice speaks for NSW, and the wording of consent law differs between states and territories, but asking is always the safe habit.
Condoms, testing and what to do if one splits
Carry condoms yourself rather than assuming the other person will, and say so early. Melbourne Sexual Health Centre recommends testing even when condoms are used.
Taking a condom off or tampering with it without agreement, sometimes called stealthing, is a breach of consent, not bad manners. Queensland and Victorian law both list it as a circumstance of no consent.
If one splits: stop and tell your partner. Sydney Sexual Health Centre says PEP, a medicine taken after possible HIV exposure, must be started within 72 hours. Our condom split guide has the steps.
After
What to text after a hookup, and when
That night or next morning
Keep it light: "Got home safe. Thanks for tonight, I had a good time."
If you'd like another go
Say so once and suggest a time: "I'd like to do that again. Are you around Thursday?"
If you wouldn't
Say it kindly and soon: "Thanks for a good night. I'm not looking to meet again, but I wish you well."
If they go quiet
One friendly follow-up at most, then let it go. Silence is an answer.
Ghosting, no-shows and how to say no
Ghosting or a kind goodbye
Going silent without a word costs the other person a night of wondering and costs you nothing, which is why it tempts. A two-line goodbye takes ten seconds, so send one.
No-shows
If you cannot make it, say so before the time, not after. If someone does not turn up, wait a short while, send one message and go home. Do not chase.
Saying no to a hookup
You never owe a reason. "Thanks, but no" is a full answer at the door, in the car or halfway through. If someone will not accept it, leave, and call 000 if you are in danger. Once you are safe, block them, report it to the site and tell the police.
Can a hookup turn into something more?
Sometimes. Two people who get on, stay safe and enjoy each other may want to see each other again, and that is fine. Don't count on it or push for it. If you want something more regular, say so once, plainly, and let the other person answer without pressure. If the answer is no, take it.
Hookup etiquette: your questions
What should I text after a hookup?
Keep it short and kind, ideally within a day. Thanking them for a good night is enough. If you would like to meet again, say so once and suggest a time. If you would not, say that kindly rather than going quiet.
How do I say no to a hookup?
Plainly and without a reason: "Thanks, but I'm not up for it." You can say it before you meet, at the door or part-way through, and the NSW Government says sex has to stop as soon as someone withdraws consent.
Is it rude to ghost after a hookup?
It is easy to do and it is unkind, and a short goodbye costs you almost nothing. The exception is anyone who has pressured you or made you uneasy. You owe them nothing, so block them and report it.
Can a hookup turn into something more?
It can, but it is not the deal you started with. If you want to keep seeing each other, say so once and let the other person answer without pressure. Accept a no as a no.
Meet people who play by the same rules
Say what you want, stay kind and see who is near you.
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